I often get accused of judging people. What has happened most often is that what I said had people looking at themselves and feeling guilty and instead of acknowledging they were judging themselves, they blamed me. This is one of several reasons I have often said I wouldn’t wish my life on my worst enemy.
Being the Shaman I am, I have a knack for finding the simple truth of any situation. This often removes any delusion built up around something that allows one to rationalize or justify what is going on. I have always said the moment I feel the need to rationalize or justify my actions, I am most likely in the wrong and I can either accept it and continue on or change it. I never allow myself any excuses to myself. I know when I am being a hypocrite and I am usually the first person to call me on it.
Part of the reason behind this is a sign that used to hang in a call center I worked in. The sign read “Perfection is the goal and excellence will be tolerated.”
Setting that as your goal for behavior in life is stupid, yet I did it anyway.
I have no excuse other than my own desire to be my best at anything I do. I am hyper critical of myself. Perfection is an illusion. It doesn’t exist. We as human beings chase after this idea in various forms in life. Artists struggle with it in every creation.
I understand how flawed I am when I observe who that is. Some of my flaws are things I love the most about myself. I can handle the observational truth of my own being without judging myself or feeling guilty. This is why I often say “If you can’t handle me for me, kindly fuck off and stay there.”
We are under no requirement to like everyone or have everyone like us. I love people I down right dislike. Those people I find it is better if I love them from a silent distance. We are allowed to set healthy boundaries for ourselves based on the influences we allow in our lives. I said healthy boundaries not moral or spiritual, I said healthy.
This is where I examine why I am doing anything from a psychological view point to understand my own mental health in what I am experiencing and how it might be suffering or if I am healthy in how I am feeling about something. There are times in this exploration I find I am overreacting or have misinterpreted something. We all have triggers that are like having a button pushed for a certain emotional response. There are some things that are healthy to get angry about and somethings it is healthy to feel sorrow over.
How we act upon those emotions is another story all together. “Why did you do this to me?”
“You pissed me off. Don’t piss me off and I won’t do that.”
Anyone not read the underlying beginnings of abuse in that. The hard part is taking time away to understand where the anger is coming from and then calmly explaining it. In my 3rd marriage when things were good the last time I yelled at her this is what came out “I”M GOING OUTSIDE TO HAVE A CIGARETTE AND CALM DOWN SO I CAN STOP YELLING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU DON’T DESERVE IT!”
My anger did not validate my behavior and I knew it and I removed me from the situation. When I came back in I apologized for yelling at her and we talked it out calmly and I had taken something she said in a different way than she had meant it and I ended up feeling really stupid. It wasn’t until a few years later I ever raised my voice to her again. Then I divorced her. I removed me from the situation permanently. Things had changed, however those years that things were good, we rarely argued or got mad at each other.
When I look back honestly I don’t see who was at fault, I see two people who grew in different ways and found it hard to like each other. I don’t have an ex wife or ex girlfriend I don’t still love. I would never take any of them back. Here’s why.
There’s a lyric from this song An Apology by the band Floater that sums it up.
One thing I know by now is that in the end,
You can never swim in the same river twice.
My 3rd wife is the only woman I broke up with at one point and went back to. When we split up for the 2nd time I understood why I all I did was get a reminder lesson in why I left the first time.
We always have the power to stop ourselves.
I don’t judge myself for needing the repeat lesson. I accept the truth that I loved her and let my love give me hope and that hope never panned out. Why would any of us punish ourselves for loving someone that much. I am always happy to hear when my exes have found someone and are happy in life. If I want my own happiness it starts with wanting happiness in the lives of even those who have eaten your heart and soul in front of you. To wish anything else for their life is to judge and condemn them based on how things ended between you.
Now look at your romantic history and judge yourself but make sure you understand the truth of how and why it all happened the way it did and own your part in it too.
Now expand that view to the rest of your life.
That’s the path to awakening. It’s the path you have already walked only looking at it with new eyes. You will judge yourself along the way, however remember we are all only human, so go easy on you and learn the lessons and do it better in the now. It’s all any of us can do.
That is one truth I have observed in humanity is that potential to do it better. It’s always there if we allow ourselves to find it on the inside.
The only thing that ever stops us is us.
Fuck fear and do it your way anyway.